Forever Family

I’m not very good about keeping up with the news.  Time is precious, and frankly I find much of the news covered in the standard TV broadcast toxic.  It’s not geared towards informing me; it’s strictly produced to generate a rating point (yes, I’m talking about you, Fox).  The internet is my source, simply because I can pick and chose the topics that interest me.  I also find it is much easier to avoid stories I don’t want to hear about.  

The problem is that this octuplet story is haunting me.  It seems like it’s everywhere.  It pops up around every corner and on every page.  It’s an evil little bugger.

Alright, alright.  I confess.  I’m not exactly doing a great job avoiding it.  The story is kind of like a train wreck, and I can’t help but watch it.  

You could argue that I have some unresolved issues with fertility, and I admit that I probably do.  This story HURTS me.  She has SIX kids already.  With only 6 pregnancies, she’s even giving the Dugger Family a run for their money.  6 pregnancies and 14 kids.  It’s just hard for women who can’t even have 1 child to read this story and not feel anger, a little jealously, and a little bit like having an all out tantrum on the floor (complete with some good kicking).  

So yes, I have the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.  I admit I’m jealous of this woman, and think it’s unfair that she should get to have so many, when others get none.  But that’s actually a very small part of my general irksome attitude about this story.  

If this woman wanted so badly to have a large family, what’s wrong with adoption?

I feel like it’s everywhere.  There’s this attitude that the only whole family…the only REAL family is a family by birth.  Sometimes it’s a subtle suggestion, like the way mixed families are discussed in the tabloids.  For some reason, children in those same families must be identified as the biological kids and the adopted kids.  It’s in novels and literature, and on TV and in the movies.  

I see it when the great debate comes up about gay marriage, and more importantly, whether or not a gay couple has the right to adopt.  Why shouldn’t 2 women or 2 men adopt a child?  How is 2 loving parents, regardless of sex, a bad thing for a child?  Just because it’s different from YOUR family, doesn’t it make it a bad thing.  How can a loving home be bad?

I see it in our entertainment (and let’s face it, culture is molded by our media, and media is molded by our culture).  Sitcom or drama, reality or TV talk show, the subtle underlying message is that a Mommy, a Daddy, and a biological child ( or 2…or 14) are the only true and whole family.  Consider this…sometimes biological children are also referred to as “natural” children.  

Natural?  Let’s look up the definition of the word natural.  According to webster.com , natural is defined as:

1: based on an inherent sense of right and wrong <natural justice> 

2 a: being in accordance with or determined by nature b: having or constituting a classification based on features existing in nature

3 a (1): begotten as distinguished from adopted ; also : legitimate (2): being a relation by actual consanguinity as distinguished from adoption <natural parents> b: illegitimate <a natural child>

Ahhh…I see.  So natural is to right or legitmate, that adopted is to wrong.  <expletive delete>

I want to understand what it is about adoption that turns people off.  When people make comments like “oh I could never do that,” what is it that you could not do?  What is it that makes it so hard?  This is not a rhetorical question.  If you have an answer, please let me know.  I’m at a loss.

Without getting into the details of my job, let’s just say I am required to keep a TV on in my office to monitor stations.  Because of some added responsibilities, I’ve had to keep it on a channel that runs Maury Povich at least 4 times during the day.  This man has built an entire audience on the question of legitimacy.  I also happen to know just how successful this show is for the TV station that airs it, and it really concerns me.  I have seen many a woman on that show on a quest to find their “baby daddy.”  A man (or sometimes a parade of men) are brought on stage, and the results of the DNA test are read.  Of course, this is always followed by a lot of audience jeering one way or the other.  But there have been times when the man who thought he was the baby’s daddy is brought on stage and the results are read to find out that he is not.  He TURNS from that baby and WALKS AWAY!  It’s not because he’s upset with the mommy for cheating; it’s because he can’t possibly fathom the idea of raising a child that isn’t his.

Why?  Why can’t you continue to be a father to that child?  Up until Maury read you those results, you were a functioning family.  If you already had forgiven your significant other for the deed, then why now can’t you be daddy?  The child has no idea what just happened, and now all of a sudden, the only person they’ve known as their father is walking out the door.  

It takes more to be a father than just sperm.  If you think you can only be a daddy to a child that has half your chromosomes, then I pity you.  I wonder that you can ever really love anyone at all.  It would seem you’re really only in love with yourself, since you’re only interested in parenting your own.

The same can be said for the mommies, too.

But there is the rare moment on that show, when Maury reads the results, and Daddy just found out the child he’s been raising is not biologically his.  You can see that he’s hurt, but he stays there on the stage.  He may put his head down, but then stoically lifts it again, and vows to continue to love and father the child.  Now THAT’S a real man.   

I don’t have a problem with couples who use fertility treatments.  Let’s remember that I came awfully close to using them myself, and honestly I have not ruled that out as an option down the road.  I admire people who do undergo treatments, whether by IVF or other means, because I know it’s not easy.  But I do have a problem with people who charge into fertility treatments without doing their research.  Wouldn’t it be great if ALL parents, biological or otherwise, had to obtain a license before having kids?

Well, maybe not.  That starts to smack of Brave New World , and we certainly don’t want our right to reproduce to be legislated.  But I plead with all current and would-be parents…consider ALL of your options before you make any rash decisions.  Ask yourself what the facts are, and check out all the risks.  Make sure that the clinic or agency you work with is reputable.  

Please please please…don’t fall into the media trap.  Just because families like the Duggers or the Gosselins get their own TV shows, book deals, and publicity tours DOES NOT make having large families glamorous.  It also doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a free ride, just because the McCaugheys may have gotten some perks.  When the cameras go away, you still have 8x’s the stinky diapers, 8x’s the hungry babies, 8x’s the sleepless nights, etc.  Hey, check out Quadmama’s blog .  She’s only got quadruplet girls, and I know she’ll tell ya it’s not for the weak of heart or constitution.

Now I’ll go back to unsuccessfully avoiding the octuplet story.  I do wish that family well, and I hope all those babies lead healthy lives.  I’ll hug my son a little tighter tonight, and be thankful that I’m so blessed with him.  I’m so lucky to have him in my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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