Forever Family

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.

-Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I am going to be very good today.  I am bursting to comment more about Nadya Suleman, but I am not going to do it.  

Plenty is already being said, and if you’ve followed any of my posts, you already know how I feel about the whole thing.  

Ok, so I will inhale deeply.  In with the clean air, exhale the toxins.  And again.

I’m pretty angry.  Maybe one more time.

I am channeling healthy energy and continue my quest to change minds in regards to adoption.  Boy, if I could just get 20 minutes with that Nadya Suleman…

Sorry!!!!!  I couldn’t help it!

Anyhoo,  let’s talk a little about attachment.  Since there is a fairly common misconception that you cannot love an adopted child as much as you would love a bio one, this is a better use of my time.

I’ve mentioned it more than once in previous posts, but it takes a little work as an adoptive parent to nurture the parent/child relationship.  The technique varies, largely depending on the age of the child, but background should also be considered. 

For example, If a child was physically abused, often times physical contact can be difficult, and even discouraged.  An innocent hug could be threatening.  You need to know the history before you proceed with ANYTHING.

Fundamentally, you need to gain that child’s trust.  With an infant, this is NOT the time to let them cry it out in their crib.  You want to respond quickly and lovingly, to start to demonstrate to the child that you can be counted on.  With older kids, you have the advantage of language and being able to explain and talk about what’s going on, but almost always actions speak louder than words.  You have got to be there when they need you, even if they insist that you don’t.  Engage early and often.  Talk with others involved in their day to day life, like teachers, etc.  

If both parents work, I think it is absolutely crucial that you take leave from work for at least several weeks.  Those first few weeks are so vital, and it’s really hard to start forming a bond of trust if you only see the child for 3 hours at night.

This can be tricky, because it’s rare for employers to have a policy recognizing “maternity leave” for adoptive parents (this goes for dads, too).  Typically you should have access to FMLA leave, but that is usually unpaid.  Especially in today’s economy, it’s tough to be out that paycheck, plus have the new financial burden of providing for the new child.  

In our case, we started our process in February, and I hoped we would be placed with a child by the end of the year.  I horded every bit of my paid time off, including sick days.  I planned to take this off as one big chunk once baby came home, so I could still get a full paycheck.

Our situation worked out nicely. Our placement occurred towards the end of the year.  My PTO from the year carried me through to the end, and then I got a fresh bank of PTO on January 1.  I then took all of my time coming to me for the following year right away.

I was also extremely fortunate to have a wonderful and sympathetic employer.  They were fantastic, and allowed me to work from home for a while, and even to let me bring the baby into work.  Frankly, without their cooperation, I don’t know how we would have managed.  

This is one case where I didn’t hesitate to play the foster care card.  Normally I don’t like to manipulate a situation to get what I want, but this was my first lesson in parenthood.  I will swallow my own pride to get my child whatever it is he needs.  

When it was all said and done, I was home with Kiddo for about 9 weeks.  In my opinion, even with an infant, it was not enough.  I suppose it never is.

We snuggled, and snuggled, and snuggled some more.  I held Kiddo as much as I possibly could.  I have heard of some parents using a sling or snuggly to even “wear” kiddo as much as possible.  There is much proof that if physical contact is possible, especially with infants, it is crucial to forming that bond.  

I also talked to him A LOT, and sang as much as possible.  He needed to know the sound of my voice.

I loved his physical therapy sessions, because I got to work with him on his exercises.  This was also an incredibly physical process, which helped foster trust.  We would practice his PT at home daily, and I would always keep talking to him through it.

We stuck to a schedule, and were never late feeding him or bathing him.  I never wanted him to have an opportunity to wonder if his needs would be fulfilled.  I anticipated as much as possible.

We had family come visit him right away, which I have since decided was a good idea.  At the time, it was kind of a nuisance to have people invading our little nest right away, but looking back, I would absolutely do that again.  It was great to have people getting excited over him, being happy, and adoring him.

This all sounds like common sense stuff, right?  Yeah, I suppose it’s not rocket science.  But you REALLY have to be aware and thinking of it all the time.  Those early days could set the tone for the rest of your lives, so a good foundation is absolutely crucial.  

Besides, it’s not like it’s work or anything.  Snuggling, playing games, hanging out, or whatever you do to bond with your kids is fun, right?  Then imagine the payback, when Kiddo smiles at you or hugs you for the first time.  If that doesn’t melt your heart, then I have no hope for you.  

There is a wealth of information that can be found on bonding and attachment.  Check out some of the links to websites I’ve listed on my blog to get started.  

So I was good today, and even posted something relevant instead of my random brain farts like yesterday’s post about the birds.  Yeah for me!

I am watching the Dateline special about Suleman tonight, though.  It may be harder for me to behave tomorrow.  If I don’t post tomorrow, just know because I’m too busy sputtering and spewing incoherently to put my thoughts to paper.  

After all, Lucius Annaeus Seneca also said:

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

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