Feb 20 2009
Autism and Foster Kids
I hope you guys got to take a look at some of the kids on the AdoptUSKids.org site I mentioned yesterday.
When we were going through the process of deciding to adopt or not to adopt, we spent a lot of time on this site. Frankly, I felt a little dirty doing it. I felt like we were shopping for kids.
Did you ever see that movie Cry Baby with Johnny Depp? There’s a scene in that 
movie where Ricki Lake goes to the orphanage to get her kids back. When they walk in there, the kids are placed behind glass and set up in disgustingly fake domestic situations.
Look, this one cooks!
Adopt me! I’ll vacuum your floor!
In the movie, it’s kinda funny and meant to be mocking of the whole child welfare system. But I couldn’t help feeling like this site was kind of like the orphanage in that movie. The problem is, I don’t know what else they should do.
You’ll actually see things mentioned in the blurbs about these kids that hearken to things I make fun of above. One might say, “this girl is great about helping out around the house,” or “this boy enjoys mowing the yard.”
It almost feels like a slave auction, but this is what gets results.
When my hubby and I were thinking about adopting, we found a little girl on this site. She was 3 years old, and had the sweetest and most angelic face. Her blurb was typical 3 year old stuff, till the last paragraph.
She had been diagnosed with autism. According to the blurb, she was withdrawn and had developed an unusually strong attachment to a toy.
Before I launch into my rant, let me just say that I think it’s great that disorders like autism have been more in our attention lately, because attention is what it takes to find treatment. It can been a huge relief to find out what is “wrong” so that you can work to make it right.
I’m relatively sure that had autism been a disorder more familiar to us back when I was a kid, I would have been diagnosed with mild symptoms myself.
But with kids in foster care, they do not have an advocate. Typically they are part of large caseload being handled by busy people. Even in the best situations, we know we have to be careful about our medical treatment. It’s a difficult process to diagnose someone with a disorder or disease, and so often do symptoms of one mimic another.
Autism is a fairly common diagnosis with foster kids. Look at this little girl. She is a perfect example. She’s 3 years old, has been separated from her family, and has been in several different foster homes. She gets some visits with her siblings, but not many. Is she going to be withdrawn? Of course she is!
What has been the one constant in her life? It has always been there, no matter where she’s slept or who she’s with. Her toy bear. Does it not seem natural that she would develop an unusual bond with her teddy bear? What else is she supposed to bond with?
Of course we didn’t have the full details of her case, but this poor little girl’s story made us so angry. It absolutely broke our hearts. She had been through so much already, and now she’s been labeled as a difficult child because of her autism diagnosis. We couldn’t help but wonder if someone gave her a little love, what her life might be like.
This little girl is the reason we decided to adopt from foster care. We may not have been able to help her, but we might be able to help another.
There is no reward greater than seeing that child thrive.
I spent some time on there yesterday looking for that little girl. I hope it is good news that I did not find her. Hopefully she got her forever family, and is living a good life with a loving bunch.
My message in this post is not to let the fear of medical issues scare you. Of course they are going to have problems, and who wouldn’t in their situation?? But if you’re willing to to give them a chance, demonstrate that you’re a loving and trustworthy parent, and simply provide them the stability of a good home, I think you’ll see improvements in some of their earlier issues. Who knows? With you as an advocate, you might even find that they were misdiagnosed to begin with!
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask yourself if you have the heart to deal with it when you’re thinking of adopting and you’ve found someone appealing, but she has a disability.
Some people feel strong enough to deal with it and some do not.
I hope someone adopted her too. I hope she was just a scared little girl with a bad label.
My daughter cares for a child not her own. He really put up a fuss when they got him. I had many calls saying “Mom, I don’t know how to deal with this.”
We finally figured out that he craved the love and needed the discipline - to know what was expected of him. We think he was afraid they’d send him back, so he wanted to get it over with.
She told him one day that no matter what he did, no matter how bad he was, he was going to stay with her and be her boy. She told him she loved him.
A year later he’s just a normal, healthy active boy. It took strength she didn’t know she had to get him to that point.
Marilynne
I agree. Dealing with a disability is a challenge. By all means, don’t sign up if you aren’t prepared to get messy.
But I also think there is an unrealistic standard for some of these kids. Parenting…for ALL kids…is messy. They ALL have issues and challenges. It’s what growing up is all about.
I love the story about your daughter. So often these children who get bounced around set themselves up for failure, because they are afraid to get their hopes up. Can you imagine anything worse than someone sending you away? What would it feel like to be 8 years old and have someone say “I don’t want you?”
Heck, I’m 32 and I’m afraid of rejection.
I think your daughter did exactly the right thing. She laid it out, and told him no matter what he did and how bad he messed up, she would still be there…just as a parent should be. Good for her!!!!!
I actually had to deal with what maxiegirl’s daughter had to deal with with both my natural daughter and my husband. I was continually “tested” to see if I loved them no matter what. (I passed, but it was tough).
It’s interesting that you bring up autism. My son is considered to be part of that spectrum but, although he meets certain criteria (doesn’t talk, generally prefers to do stuff on his own), he also is very affectionate, very emotive, understands your emotions, laughs, etc. When the lady from the school district came by (when he was put in a special preschool) to teach us how to communicate with our son, she ended up taking pointers not giving them. She was stunned with how well we DID communicate with our son. “You really get him, don’t you?” Apparently, this was very unusual and many parents with children that seem to fit the autistic spectrum are clueless what to do and how to handle them. I suspect that he’s as high functioning and emotive as he is because he’s comfortable in our household, happy and loved. He’s never been medicated and he loves life.
It’s not easy to care for a child like that, but I wouldn’t trade him for a “normal” kid, not ever. Bringing a child into your life is like having a child. You can’t get them for a trial run and send them back if they “don’t work out”. No wonder these kids have problems, passed back and forth like party favors. When you adopt a child, you have to be willing to go the distance, take ‘em lumps and problems and all. You don’t get to trade ‘em in a for a newer and finer model. If you think you can, you just don’t get it.
Not that I’m opinionated or nothin’.
Stephanie makes a great point. You don’t get to “send them back if they don’t work out.”
The sad thing is, that it happens.
That’s what unconditional love is all about. Loving them no matter what. That’s what kids need, seriously. Saying “Well, we tried,” - can you imagine the damage done the the discarded child?
Love without bounds, regardless of the disability. That’s the need and sadly it is also the reason some are in foster care. Their birth parents either could not do so, or didnt understand what caused some of the actions of the child. I commend you for what you are doing to help out a child in need.