Forever Family

I took a well deserved break from posting yesterday.  It was hard enough to keep up with my E card drops and checking in on blogs I regularly read, I just ran out of time to write my own.

Is ok.  I’m really satisfied with everything I accomplished this weekend (see my previous post about being a domestic goddess!).   I got my craft room unpacked and organized, more pictures hung, a couple of sewing projects finally finished, laundry done, and I even found time to shave my legs.  Wait…that would probably fall into the T.M.I. category.

Kiddo was very helpful with helping me do it all…except for shaving my legs.  I handled that one on my own.  

Now that I’m back to my normal Monday routine, I want to write a post to clarify the difference between a domestic adoption and adopting from foster care.

I’ve gotten some really great comments from people (thanks for those, and keep ‘em coming!) that would suggest that there is some confusion out there.  

In a domestic adoption, you usually work with an adoption agency (such as Catholic Charities or Angel Adoptions ).  I’ve noticed a couple listed in the Google ads for my site.

This great logo is from an agency in Kansas called Adoption & Beyond.

When I think of domestic adoption, I think of the Friends episodes when Monica and Chandler are going through the process to adopt a baby.  They went through interviews, physicals, applications, and home studies to prepare a dossier about themselves.  While slightly abbreviated to make it friendly for a 30 minute sitcom, this is pretty much the way it works.

In most cases of domestic adoption, birthmothers contact the agency while they are still pregnant.  Some are nearly full term, while others are still early, but in most of these cases the mothers have decided to “give up” (I really hate that term) their child.  The reasons are various, and I’m sure you can imagine a few.  

The agency then works with the birth family to identify an adoptive family for the baby.  Usually the birth family is provided with the completed dossiers of parents waiting to adopt, and the birth family starts whittling the list down.  

Once an adoptive family is selected, usually there is some contact between the birth family and the adoptive family.  This is becoming more prevalent as open adoptions** become more popular.

**an open adoption means that some contact remains between the birth family and the adoptive family, even after the adoption is finalized.  Usually this is just pictures and the occasional letter, but is some cases personal visits are even done.  This is completely dependent about what kind of agreement is reached between the birth and adoptive families.

Often, the adoptive family will be invited to be nearby for the delivery of the baby, and in some cases, even allowed in the delivery room.  Again, this is completely dependent on the what is agreed upon between the families.

This is where it gets a little hairy.  Depending on the laws of the state, the birth family usually has time after the delivery of the child to change their mind.  For an adoptive parent, waiting on pins and needles does not even begin to describe the agony of anticipation waiting for that window of time to pass.  I’ve heard it can be as short as 24 hours and as long as 72 hours (possibly more).

If you’re shopping for an adoption agency, make sure you get all the details about how they handle this window.  Some agencies REQUIRE the birthmother to have contact with the child after it is born.  The thought behind this is that it makes sure the birthmom has closure, and she is absolutely certain she is prepared to give up the child.  This is often when birthmom has second thoughts, and adoptions fail to go through.

This is where the adoption horror stories are born.

The really good news for the adoptive family is that once that window of time has passed and the birth family still agrees to the adoption, it is VERY difficult to retract the adoption.  A birthmom can’t change her mind 6 months down the road and show up at your door.  

There are very rare exceptions to this, and the only ones I have heard of have involved the paternity of the child.  Even if the birthfather isn’t in the picture of the birthmom, you need to get them to agree to the adoption.  If they don’t sign the adoption petition, that could cause problems later on.  Also, if the identity of the birthfather is in question, this might cause some trouble.  Things could get a little foggy legally if the paternity of the child turns out to be someone other than the one who signed the petition.

The list for adoptive parents waiting to adopt through some of these agencies can be long, and sometimes will take 2 years or more for the adoptive parents to be selected by a birth family.  It also costs money…and usually a lot of it.  I have a friend who was working with Catholic Charities, and it was going to cost roughly $15,000.  Frankly, that’s one of the cheaper totals I have heard of.  Some agencies will expect you to cover medical expenses for the mother, or even to pay for a stipend for the birthmother for the last few weeks of her pregnancy.  It doesn’t take long to start wracking up thousands of dollars in expenses.

Another thing to remember is that many (not all) of these agencies are religious organizations.  

Yikes…I’m kinda afraid to go there cause now y’all are gonna think I’m some kind of Godless heathen.  

Trust me when I say that’s not true.  We have plenty of religious spirit, but we struggle with some of the fundamentals of many religious organizations.  I could do a whole post on that, but I won’t.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Some will work with you even if you’re not a follower of that organization or church, but some will not.

Many of these agencies are very selective about the adoptive parents they choose to work with.  Let’s face it…many are private, there a lot of desperate adoptive parents out there, and these agencies can’t handle the potential caseload if they worked with everyone.  Many of them turn people away if you don’t qualify.

Qualification standards might include religion; but also income, your type of home, the size of the family you already have, criminal records, credit rating, etc.

This post is getting long and I can just hear some attention spans clicking off, so I’ll keep you hanging and lay out the logistics of a foster adoption tomorrow.  

Let me just leave you with this cliff hanger titillating suggestion…

You can adopt from foster care for free.  Yup, I said free.  Zip.  Zero.  Nada.

In some cases, they will even pay YOU.

to be continued…………………….. 

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