Forever Family

Have I built up enough anticipation? 

Did I leave you hanging long enough?

Are you thinking that adoption is too expensive and too risky for your family?  

Think again.  

I laid out the gist of what most people think of when they think adoption.  I won’t rehash the details…you can check out my previous post to learn more.  

I want to spend a little time clarifying some misunderstandings about what it means to be a foster parent, and adopting a child from the foster care system.

First of all, the definition of a foster parent is broad.  For pretty much any adoption with DFACS, you have to become a licensed foster parent first.  The process for this is really no different than preparing your dossier for a foreign or domestic adoption.  You take classes, you do a home study, and you undergo background checks.  

Being a licensed foster parent DOES NOT mean you are a foster home with a revolving door of kids.  I think that term scares people off, and with good reason.  It takes a very special kind of person in a very special kind of situation to be a foster parent temporarily taking care of kids between homes.  I have no judgment against people not feeling able to be a foster parent in a foster home.  

But don’t let the term foster parent scare you.  I was a foster parent, and I had one child, and our intention from day one was to adopt him.  

The other fear I hear about when discussing foster-to-adopt is the potential of losing the child.

It’s a legitimate fear.  It happens.  I spent nearly 6 months terrified of my phone because I was paranoid that the next phone call would be the call that said they were taking back my son.  It’s not easy.

But think about other forms of adoption.  Remember the waiting period I mentioned in my previous post?  Imagine the good news when you’ve been selected by a birth family to adopt their child.  You have a baby shower and you decorate your nursery.  You go through a baby book and pick out potential names.  Imagine being in the delivery room when the birthmom delivers the baby.  Imagine holding that baby, feeding, loving it, and even taking it home.  Then imagine getting that call that birthmom has changed her mind within her window, and you have to give that baby back.  Is that any different?

Let’s examine a foreign adoption.  Sure, once you get that child into our country, it’s a done deal.  But what about that process of getting that child into the country?  You get a call from the adoption agency to notify you that you’ve been matched with a child.  They send you pictures and maybe even a video of the kid.  Perhaps you’re even able to interact with the child via web camera.  You also go through the process of decorating the nursery, having a baby shower, and falling in love with pictures and even the notion of your soon to be child.  Then the phone rings again, and it’s the adoption agency apologizing for a “wrinkle,” or the government of the other country changes its rules, or any one of a hundred other problems pops up and you’re not able to go get your kid.  How is that any different?

I suppose this is why many people opt for fertility treatments rather than adopting.  But fertility treatments are no sure thing.  Do you think it is any easier going through IVF, only to have none of the embryos take?  Or having a miscarriage?  Is the devastation any different here?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.  Life is messy.  There are no guarantees when it comes to having kids.  Period.  ANY number of things can happen, but you adapt and accept, and you move forward.  If we spent too much time obsessing over the negatives, we would never progress.  If we were afraid to take the plunge because of the possibility of a bad outcome, then we would never get out of bed each day.

While there are never any guarantees, you can specify how much legal risk you are looking to take.  If you desire to adopt an infant, and are willing to take some amount of risk that the child placed with you might end up back in the care of a biological family member, you’ll probably be matched with a child almost as soon as you complete your license. 

If you want less risk, you’ll have to wait longer, but that does not mean that there is not a child out there for you.  

You can adopt from DFACS with no risk if you adopt a child that has already been legally freed.  These kids are usually a little older, or may have special needs.  

There you go…two common fears about adopting from foster care…debunked.  So now what’s your hold up?

• Placement after completing your license process can be almost immediate.  There can be very little waiting period.
• You can be matched with an infant…even a newborn.  Many people we knew in this process were picking up their newborns directly from the hospital.
• You want another child, but the thought of diapers, no sleep, terrible two’s, potty training, and other such things is too much for you to handle.  You can adopt an older child, at any age between 0 to 18.
• You have been turned down for not qualifying with a private agency.  You don’t have the perfect house, maybe had a mar in your credit history, or a fairly benign criminal record they chose not to overlook.  Chances are DFACS will still welcome you to the ranks of foster parenting with open arms.
• You want a child, but don’t have thousands of dollars.  You can adopt from DFACS, and usually it will only cost you court filing fees.  In our case, this was about $160.
  
• You are prepared to adopt a child with special needs or a sibling group, but are wary of the expenses involved.  You can adopt a child from DFACS, get free Medicaid coverage on those children until they are 18, and negotiate a monthly stipend to cover any other expenses needed to maintain a lifestyle for those kids.
• This all sounds great, but you want a healthy child.  Many of the children in the child welfare system are healthy, with no more issues than any other children.  Even if they have some diagnosed disorders like ADHD (and I happen to know MANY children living with bio families that also have ADHD), you still have that Medicaid coverage to help with therapy or treatment.
• You have access to a wealth of support groups, social workers, and other such resources to help you through the parenting process.  I’m relatively sure that there are many typical bio families out there who would love some of that.

And the absolute best reason of all is that you get the privilege of bringing a wonderful child into your home.  As much as I go on about that the motivation for adopting should be solely for the benefit of the child and not for your own glory, I can’t deny that it doesn’t feel really good to know that you’ve made a difference for that child.     

Trackback URI | Comments RSS