Mar 24 2009
Meet The Parents???
No, this isn’t about a lame Ben Stiller movie.
There is a quandary about adopted children; they typically have 2 sets of parents. There is a set of birth parents and a set of adoptive parents (or singular parent).
I know…duh, right?
Many adopted children have no memory of their biological parents. As these children age, some are filled with a need to connect with their bio parents, while others have no desire to contact their birth families. What motivates people to either seek or not to seek their birth families intrigues me, as someday my son may come to me with questions about his birth family.
I cannot deny that I will be disappointed if he wants to connect with his bio family. I am working through this issue and trying to at least pretend it won’t bother me, but I’m pretty sure that no matter what, I’ll be a little saddened. I can understand that he may just want to know more about his heritage, or to even see where he gets his darling blue eyes from. Out of necessity, he may need to find them, especially if he has an hereditary health issue. Logically, this all makes sense to me.
But my heart still struggles to reconcile that. I know I would feel a little bit like a failure if he comes to me one day and tells me he wants to find his birth mom. Does his desire to seek them out stem from something he lacks in his relationship with us? Did we do something wrong? I will likely want to stand up and say “but I’m your mother, what more do need?”
Don’t worry. I won’t say that, and I’ll support him in whatever he decides to do. I’ll keep my feelings to myself, because they are selfish feelings and it’s more important to help him on his journey through life. He has a right to know more about his biological connections if he chooses.
I’ll just lock myself in my bedroom before I cry my eyes out.
Besides, I’ll be able to answer a lot of his questions myself.
Depending on the adoption route you take, the chances of meeting the birth family vary. With foreign adoptions, chances are pretty slim you’ll meet the birth family. In a private domestic adoption, you’ll likely have extended contact with the bio parents all the way up to birth, and if you’re doing an open adoption, it will continue in some form indefinitely. For foster and foster/adopt parents, it’s kinda up in the air.
Most parents we journeyed with as we were getting our license did not have any direct contact with the bio families. When you consider why kids are in foster care, it becomes pretty obvious why many adoptive parents don’t meet the bio parents. It boils down to safety. If the bio parents lost custody because a parent was being physically or sexually abusive, you don’t want to take any chances. There were plenty of stories floating the DFACS office about foster parents being stalked by bio families. We had a couple in our support group that was having trouble with the bio grandmother of their kids. She would park out in front of their house and peek in through the windows. They ended up having to move.
No doubt you’re wondering how that could happen. The information about the foster parents is supposed to be protected, and this example is precisely why. Fear not, in the case of this couple in our group, it was a problem of misplaced sympathy. It seems the bio grandma was very upset about the children being moved to foster care, but could not take custody of them herself. The foster mom, thinking she was doing a nice thing for grandma, gave her their phone number. From there, grandma was able to locate their home.
As we were told repeatedly in training and in support group, just like any other superhero, your identity is your most prized possession. Protect it!
Having heard these stories, we were somewhat shocked when our social worker asked us if we would be interested in meeting our kiddo’s birth parents.
My first reaction? HELL NO!
But then I started to think about it. Kiddo’s birth parents were very young and not major criminals. They had been in and out of jail because of self destructive behavior, but never from causing harm to someone else.
I backed off my initial hell no reaction a little, and weighed some pros and cons. We learned that it may help our case along a little; if bio mom liked us and thought Kiddo would have a good life, she would relinquish with no further fight. That peaked our interest, plus we were also a little curious about them.
So with many reassurances from the social worker that we would only give them our first names, no other info would be shared, and our contact with each other would only be within the DFACS building, we agreed.
Hubby and I went down together, and at the end of one Kiddo’s visitations, we went into the room to meet them.
That was probably one of the strangest 15 minutes of my life. These kids were so YOUNG and so utterly clueless. I saw where Kiddo gets his features from. They asked us some simple questions about what it was like to live in our house and Kiddo’s average day. Clearly they had some fears about horrid foster parents, but I think we reassured them he was in a loving home.
It seemed fairly harmless. I now am able to answer some questions Kiddo will no doubt have about what his parents looked like. For that reason, I’m glad we did it.
However, for Kiddo’s future visits, things were a little more lax about our contact with them. I started taking Kiddo directly to the waiting room, instead of hiding in the back of the building and waiting for a social worker. His bio parents would arrive, and we would end up sitting there together waiting for the supervised visit to start. Bio mom got more comfortable with me, and in some ways I sorta felt like I was mothering her, too. She was clearly desperate for some sort of maternal contact.
But this became a problem. They asked me for money. They told me many terrible stories about being homeless, the last stint in jail, partying with their friends. Just their interaction with each other made me want to scream. I didn’t want to let my guard down and have them know any more about us then they already did. I didn’t want anyone stalking my house (or worse).
I started to get paranoid. They saw my car, and subsequently, my license plate. Did they have the smarts to figure out where we live? I started peaking out my window regularly, and any time a car was parked in front of our house for longer than 10 minutes, I would panic.
I longed to go back to the anonymous hand-offs, but I was also afraid to offend them. Kiddo’s case was finally moving along, and I didn’t want to do anything that might rock the boat. I wanted them to be happy with me as a mother, so they would go back to their lives and never look back.
Ultimately, we got through it, but would I do it again? No. I would not. Even with the benefit of being able to answer simple questions about them should Kiddo ever want to know, I don’t think it was worth it. I may change my mind later on, but it was not worth the constant fear.
Did it really improve our case? Not really. We learned after the meeting that if we went down the path of voluntary relinquishment, it would ultimately take longer than the termination track we were on.
Would I make a recommendation to other parents facing the same choice? Well, each case is different. I can say that if we are ever given the choice again, we will likely choose to remain anonymous.
That, or I’m gonna wear a mask. It works in the movies, right?
I was adopted and have always been curious about my birth parents. I go through spurts in my interest to find them. I do know that my AParents were very insulted when I first mentioned wanting to know more about them. It made me feel like my interest in knowing where I came from was wrong. I was a teenager and think they could have handled it better.
It sucks filling out paperwork for doctor’s offices and leaving family health history blank. I think more medical information should be given to adoptees (or their parents) and there should be some way to get updated information.
I now have two beautiful children and they fill the void I felt not having any “blood” relatives. I would be open to meeting any birth family especially siblings if they exist) but am no longer interested in searching myself.
I agree, Shelly. That could have been handled better. I can understand why your parents would be insulted, but still…it’s not fair to you. It’s your birthright and your entitled to it, and I’m sure logically your parents know that. But it doesn’t make it any easier…for either you or your parents.
The teenage years. I dread them. I know mine were struggle (without any complications like adoption), and I know they will be for my son. It’s the rite of passage into adulthood, and it’s difficult. To add that extra layer of uncertainty about yourself because you’re adopted just further muddies the water.
What I really dread is what you said about a “void.” I don’t want my son to have a void. It worries me greatly that he may have a need I cannot fulfill. I guess that’s why I am concerned that someday if he tells me he wants to find his bio family, that I messed up and didn’t keep away the void. It will be hard to not feel like a failure on some level.
Maybe void was too strong a word. I never felt the need to search based on how my parents treated me or from any lack of love or attention. I think it was due more in part to the differences between us. My parents adopted my older brother and then myself (through different agencies) and then found themselves pregnant with my younger brother who is a year and 6 days younger than me. My older brother has never felt any concern over where he came from.
I think it was just a desire (for me) to find out where my habits and strengths came from. Simple things like my mom being a girly girl and me being far from it. I was also a lot smarter (school wise) than both my parents, but my brothers did really well in school too so it could just be environment. I’ve always been curious about nature vs nurture and that may have also sparked my curiosities.
I think adoption is a very unselfish act for all parties involved and know that if you love your child unconditionally (as I’m sure you do) then you should not feel slighted at his curiosity if/when the time comes. It has nothing to do with you. I’ve also read of Aparents that have supported and helped in their children’s searches and it only brought them closer together. Just something to think about.
I know I’m on the other side but coming from someone who’s been there it really isn’t about the parents. It’s about the knowledge.
Thanks for the feedback, Shelly. This is exactly the sort of stuff I need to hear and understand. I don’t want to be the psycho crazy parent who can’t bear the thought of sharing my son with someone, so I’m trying to make sure I have all my issues worked through before he comes to ask me about them. Perhaps I’m overthinking it, but as I’ve said before, I like to be prepared. I want to be able to appear informed and loving, and not surprised and shocked.
I’ve also heard about the search journey bringing adoptive parents and kids closer together. I think there is some healing and closure that occurs, and it’s a great opportunity to bond. I want to be that parent, who manages to make something that could potentially be bad and make it constructive.
That’s a great story Carl! I love how your mom and your uncle were so close!
It’s funny you should mention that about your uncle, because it’s a topic I was thinking about writing about in my post tomorrow. Check back!
I don’t know how I’d feel about it. I don’t understand the preoccupation with “blood” relatives, but, then, I know mine and even have a detailed (and lengthy genealogy) - it’s easy to be blase about something I have.
Sometimes, I don’t like talking to my kids about their blood relatives - and I’m one of ‘em.
In the end, I don’t think there’s one set of advice that always works, that always applies.
Except, if I had the chance to meet an adoptive parents’ birth parents, I undoubtedly would so I could talk knowledgeably to my child. The fear I’d feel I would just consider the price I’d pay to address the contingency of added peace of mind for my child. That isn’t a reflection on the child but on me.
I agree, Stephanie. I have many members of my biological family that I barely speak to, and only when I have to. Just because we share genes doesn’t mean much.
The fear I had about meeting the parents was less for ourselves, but more about our Kiddo. Where we putting him in danger? I was less concerned about what birth parents might do to us if they found us, but more about what they might do to him. Kidnapping him would certainly be a strong possibility, and that’s the primary cause for my concern. I struggled with our decision, because at the time it seemed selfish (as we were hoping it would convince them to relinquish willingly) and the one who would pay the price if something happened would really be Kiddo.
Well, I suspect it’s considerably more complicated than I think it is. I know I’ve been scared silly with my divorce and custody case with my daughter so I know how that is. I’m sure anyone could come behind me and second-guess what I did and tell me how they would have done it differently, but, when you’re in the middle, it’s all on you. I feel for your struggles. I’m not trying to criticize, by any means.
I’ve never had to make those kinds of choices and it’s insensitive to imply I really know what I’d do. I shouldn’t have. We all do the best we can and live with the results, all of us. I think you are doing something wonderful and, that it’s worth it for you, for your own happiness, too, is even better. I’m happy that you and the Kiddo found each other.
I think that it is natural to be curious. I hope that you have the strength you need if and when the time comes.
And I certainly did not feel criticized! I feel good about the decisions we’ve made and how we’ve handled our situation.
For all commenters/readers, I welcome your feedback whether you agree with me or not. It’s the only way I will grow, and I always appreciate another point of view.
I do not think it’s insensitive to suggest what you may or may not do in someone else’s situation. I think as bloggers, if we took offense to people’s opinions about that, then we should not have been blogging about them in the first place.
As always, Stephanie, I can’t thank you enough.
Yeah, me too slcolman. But that’s what being a parent is all about, right? If it’s not one thing, then it’s something else
I am very moved by your post. I have not had any experience with foster parenting or adoption and I feel my eyes have been opened. I think you are very brave to confront the issue openly and honestly without sugar coating it. It would be a very hard decision, you always want the best for your children but how can you really know, every decision has such long lasting effects. You are very brave and awesome! Thank you.
Thank you witchwyd. It’s feedback like that which makes my day.