Mar 27 2009
When Do You Lay It All Out?
Do you have a secret?
Is it a tiny little secret, or a big whopper that haunts you in the dark? Are you keeping it from someone you barely know, or hiding it from someone you deeply love? Are you looking for the perfect time and place to tell someone your secret, or are you perfectly content to let it stay clandestine?
As you can tell, I have a secret. It’s from my son. I haven’t told him yet because….well…he’s not quite 3. He wouldn’t get it. But I will. Yeah….I’m pretty sure I will.
No really…I will! I promise!
But how? How do you tell a little kid that they’re adopted? What will that mean to him?
I have some great commenters. On my post yesterday, Ken @ Dad to Two mentioned he found out about his secret when he was 39. Kristy mentioned she found out when she was 7. Shelly revealed she’s adopted, but didn’t mention at what age she found out. Carl said that his uncle didn’t find out till he was 40. I could go on, but the theme here is that there is no magic formula to follow. When is the best time? When is the worst?
This dilemma is something I’ve considered since the day I started thinking about adopting. I know it’s something I’ve come to terms with, which I hope would be obvious. I don’t care that my son is not biologically mine. I love him with all my heart and soul. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he will have an easy time dealing with it. I sincerely hope our good bond and healthy parent/child relationship will mean something, but I can’t say we won’t have our challenges.
I know…I just KNOW…that day will come when we argue about something. I’ll send him to his room or ground him, and he’s going to fire back with “you’re not my real mom,” or “I want to go live with my real mom.”
Well, you’re stuck me, Kiddo. You’re wasting your breath. After all, I’M your real mom, for better or for worse.
Anyway, I’m slipping off subject. What I want to know is when I should tell him.
I did a lot of research on the subject before and during our license process. The experts generally agree that the child should be told early and often. It should be treated like it’s no big deal, and just a part of who they are. One suggestion was to start telling to them as infants like a bedtime story. Sure, they may not understand what you’re actually saying, but to think of it as a rehearsal. That way, when they were finally old enough to understand, you are so used to telling the story that it’s not a big deal.
At first, I liked this option. I thought for sure I could do that. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided against it. First of all, you’re then talking about adoption with your kids ALL THE TIME. It’s like you spend time every day pointing out the differences in your family. Then your kids are always thinking about it, then comparing themselves to the kids around them, and constantly dwelling on something that makes them different. I don’t want him to do that. I want him to enjoy being a kid. I want him to know, but not obsess.
Then there’s the “son we need to talk” approach. Wait until they’re of an age they can comprehend these kinds of things (like Kristy’s 7 years) and sit them down. I’m not sure I like that approach, either. How do you determine that magic age?
My approach thus far has been to document. I have scrapbooks about the early days, with bubbles of dialog filled in that say things like “Our first visit” and “The day you came home.” The picture that follows is clearly NOT that of a newborn. His previous foster mom was good enough to give us a few pics of some of the firsts we missed, and those are in his scrapbook, too. My labels says “Even though we weren’t with you yet…”
Kiddo loves to look at these books. Although it’s somewhat accidental, I suppose this will be the tool we use to help start that understanding with him. We’ll see how well that works out.
You’re spot on, Jessica. In fact, we checked out our first adoption book at the library next weekend. I was planning to do my inaugural book review post next week about that very same book.
I like what you say about not turning it into a big deal. I think that’s what turned me off about some of the “expert” recommendations. It’s just like you said…it’s only a big deal if we make it one.
And it’s only because I used that comment on my mom (the I wish you weren’t my mother one) that I know it will come eventually. Kids are kids, after all.
Carl…I could learn a lesson or two from your brevity!
Tami, I am glad to hear that it doesn’t come up. I really want for him to feel normal. Sometimes I hear stories from adoptees where the adoption just consumes them, but I suspect many of those were ones where they either found out late, or the parents made some kind of big deal about it.
I am sure that you will reveal the secret when the time is right. I don’t have any experience with this so I can’t help here. But I trust that you will get it right
BTW I added you to my blogroll. I love your blog and with the whole entrecard issue don’t want to lose touch. Feel free to add me too if you want
Thanks Melissa! And I would LOVE to hear more about how you felt about finding out!
Sweet slcolman! I’ll put you on my roll! I’d be proud to include yours!
That’s a great story, Judy. I like the angle to have an role model present who can explain how great and special it really is. Of course we can tell him that, but who EVER listens to their PARENTS
Thanks Yaya. I’m inclined to agree. Denial usually backfires.
O.M.G!!!!!!!!!
Reeni (aka the Cinnamon and Spice blogger) left me a comment! Her site is uber cool with uber yummy food and uber good looking recipes. She’s one of my bloggy heroes! I have a few, but she has the most delicious looking site by far. Huzzah!
Yeah, it’s kinda late and I’m tired. So?
Yeah, I suppose you’re right Andrea. I do tend to obsess, stew and worry. Then, that thing I’ve been so stressed about happens, and with much less drama then I predicted. It’s kind of a relief, but I always get so mad at myself for getting so worked up over nothing.
I think, without any expertise, that you have a pretty healthy approach.
I think that’s a good tack.
Thanks Stephanie. Perhaps there’s a question for the Tarot Queen out of all this
That’s my consolation, Erica. No doubt he will find something to feel angst about, no matter what I do. The joys of being a teenager.
I’m working on putting something together, but 500 words is tough for me. I have sentences that long.
It’s good that this is on your mind and that you are thinking about it. I can’t imagine how sensitive a topic this might be for your son. I think adoption is a wonderful thing!
Thanks for your comment on my blog (at Merry Meet).
Tara
Thanks Tara, so do I
don’t say a word
areyoulistening.today.com