Forever Family

No, this isn’t about a lame Ben Stiller movie.

There is a quandary about adopted children; they typically have 2 sets of parents.  There is a set of birth parents and a set of adoptive parents (or singular parent).

I know…duh, right?

Many adopted children have no memory of their biological parents.  As these children age, some are filled with a need to connect with their bio parents, while others have no desire to contact their birth families.  What motivates people to either seek or not to seek their birth families intrigues me, as someday my son may come to me with questions about his birth family.

I cannot deny that I will be disappointed if he wants to connect with his bio family.  I am working through this issue and trying to at least pretend it won’t bother me, but I’m pretty sure that no matter what, I’ll be a little saddened.  I can understand that he may just want to know more about his heritage, or to even see where he gets his darling blue eyes from.  Out of necessity, he may need to find them, especially if he has an hereditary health issue.  Logically, this all makes sense to me.

But my heart still struggles to reconcile that.  I know I would feel a little bit like a failure if he comes to me one day and tells me he wants to find his birth mom.  Does his desire to seek them out stem from something he lacks in his relationship with us?  Did we do something wrong?  I will likely want to stand up and say “but I’m your mother, what more do need?”

Don’t worry.  I won’t say that, and I’ll support him in whatever he decides to do.  I’ll keep my feelings to myself, because they are selfish feelings and it’s more important to help him on his journey through life.  He has a right to know more about his biological connections if he chooses.

I’ll just lock myself in my bedroom before I cry my eyes out.

Besides, I’ll be able to answer a lot of his questions myself.

Depending on the adoption route you take, the chances of meeting the birth family vary.  With foreign adoptions, chances are pretty slim you’ll meet the birth family.  In a private domestic adoption, you’ll likely have extended contact with the bio parents all the way up to birth, and if you’re doing an open adoption, it will continue in some form indefinitely.  For foster and foster/adopt parents, it’s kinda up in the air.

Most parents we journeyed with as we were getting our license did not have any direct contact with the bio families.  When you consider why kids are in foster care, it becomes pretty obvious why many adoptive parents don’t meet the bio parents.  It boils down to safety.  If the bio parents lost custody because a parent was being physically or sexually abusive, you don’t want to take any chances.  There were plenty of stories floating the DFACS office about foster parents being stalked by bio families.  We had a couple in our support group that was having trouble with the bio grandmother of their kids.  She would park out in front of their house and peek in through the windows.  They ended up having to move.

No doubt you’re wondering how that could happen.  The information about the foster parents is supposed to be protected, and this example is precisely why.  Fear not, in the case of this couple in our group, it was a problem of misplaced sympathy.  It seems the bio grandma was very upset about the children being moved to foster care, but could not take custody of them herself.  The foster mom, thinking she was doing a nice thing for grandma, gave her their phone number.  From there, grandma was able to locate their home.

As we were told repeatedly in training and in support group, just like any other superhero, your identity is your most prized possession.  Protect it!

Having heard these stories, we were somewhat shocked when our social worker asked us if we would be interested in meeting our kiddo’s birth parents.

My first reaction?  HELL NO!

But then I started to think about it.  Kiddo’s birth parents were very young and not major criminals.  They had been in and out of jail because of self destructive behavior, but never from causing harm to someone else.

I backed off my initial hell no reaction a little, and weighed some pros and cons.  We learned that it may help our case along a little; if bio mom liked us and thought Kiddo would have a good life, she would relinquish with no further fight.  That peaked our interest, plus we were also a little curious about them.

So with many reassurances from the social worker that we would only give them our first names, no other info would be shared, and our contact with each other would only be within the DFACS building, we agreed.

Hubby and I went down together, and at the end of one Kiddo’s visitations, we went into the room to meet them.

That was probably one of the strangest 15 minutes of my life.  These kids were so YOUNG and so utterly clueless.  I saw where Kiddo gets his features from.  They asked us some simple questions about what it was like to live in our house and Kiddo’s average day.  Clearly they had some fears about horrid foster parents, but I think we reassured them he was in a loving home.

It seemed fairly harmless.  I now am able to answer some questions Kiddo will no doubt have about what his parents looked like.  For that reason, I’m glad we did it.

However, for Kiddo’s future visits, things were a little more lax about our contact with them.  I started taking Kiddo directly to the waiting room, instead of hiding in the back of the building and waiting for a social worker.  His bio parents would arrive, and we would end up sitting there together waiting for the supervised visit to start.  Bio mom got more comfortable with me, and in some ways I sorta felt like I was mothering her, too.  She was clearly desperate for some sort of maternal contact.

But this became a problem.  They asked me for money.  They told me many terrible stories about being homeless, the last stint in jail, partying with their friends.  Just their interaction with each other made me want to scream.  I didn’t want to let my guard down and have them know any more about us then they already did.  I didn’t want anyone stalking my house (or worse).

I started to get paranoid.  They saw my car, and subsequently, my license plate.  Did they have the smarts to figure out where we live?  I started peaking out my window regularly, and any time a car was parked in front of our house for longer than 10 minutes, I would panic.

I longed to go back to the anonymous hand-offs, but I was also afraid to offend them.  Kiddo’s case was finally moving along, and I didn’t want to do anything that might rock the boat.  I wanted them to be happy with me as a mother, so they would go back to their lives and never look back.

Ultimately, we got through it, but would I do it again?  No.  I would not.  Even with the benefit of being able to answer simple questions about them should Kiddo ever want to know, I don’t think it was worth it.  I may change my mind later on, but it was not worth the constant fear.

Did it really improve our case?  Not really.  We learned after the meeting that if we went down the path of voluntary relinquishment, it would ultimately take longer than the termination track we were on.

Would I make a recommendation to other parents facing the same choice? Well, each case is different.  I can say that if we are ever given the choice again, we will likely choose to remain anonymous.

That, or I’m gonna wear a mask.  It works in the movies, right?

I took a well deserved break from posting yesterday.  It was hard enough to keep up with my E card drops and checking in on blogs I regularly read, I just ran out of time to write my own.

Is ok.  I’m really satisfied with everything I accomplished this weekend (see my previous post about being a domestic goddess!).   I got my craft room unpacked and organized, more pictures hung, a couple of sewing projects finally finished, laundry done, and I even found time to shave my legs.  Wait…that would probably fall into the T.M.I. category.

Kiddo was very helpful with helping me do it all…except for shaving my legs.  I handled that one on my own.  

Now that I’m back to my normal Monday routine, I want to write a post to clarify the difference between a domestic adoption and adopting from foster care.

I’ve gotten some really great comments from people (thanks for those, and keep ‘em coming!) that would suggest that there is some confusion out there.  

In a domestic adoption, you usually work with an adoption agency (such as Catholic Charities or Angel Adoptions ).  I’ve noticed a couple listed in the Google ads for my site.

This great logo is from an agency in Kansas called Adoption & Beyond.

When I think of domestic adoption, I think of the Friends episodes when Monica and Chandler are going through the process to adopt a baby.  They went through interviews, physicals, applications, and home studies to prepare a dossier about themselves.  While slightly abbreviated to make it friendly for a 30 minute sitcom, this is pretty much the way it works.

In most cases of domestic adoption, birthmothers contact the agency while they are still pregnant.  Some are nearly full term, while others are still early, but in most of these cases the mothers have decided to “give up” (I really hate that term) their child.  The reasons are various, and I’m sure you can imagine a few.  

The agency then works with the birth family to identify an adoptive family for the baby.  Usually the birth family is provided with the completed dossiers of parents waiting to adopt, and the birth family starts whittling the list down.  

Once an adoptive family is selected, usually there is some contact between the birth family and the adoptive family.  This is becoming more prevalent as open adoptions** become more popular.

**an open adoption means that some contact remains between the birth family and the adoptive family, even after the adoption is finalized.  Usually this is just pictures and the occasional letter, but is some cases personal visits are even done.  This is completely dependent about what kind of agreement is reached between the birth and adoptive families.

Often, the adoptive family will be invited to be nearby for the delivery of the baby, and in some cases, even allowed in the delivery room.  Again, this is completely dependent on the what is agreed upon between the families.

This is where it gets a little hairy.  Depending on the laws of the state, the birth family usually has time after the delivery of the child to change their mind.  For an adoptive parent, waiting on pins and needles does not even begin to describe the agony of anticipation waiting for that window of time to pass.  I’ve heard it can be as short as 24 hours and as long as 72 hours (possibly more).

If you’re shopping for an adoption agency, make sure you get all the details about how they handle this window.  Some agencies REQUIRE the birthmother to have contact with the child after it is born.  The thought behind this is that it makes sure the birthmom has closure, and she is absolutely certain she is prepared to give up the child.  This is often when birthmom has second thoughts, and adoptions fail to go through.

This is where the adoption horror stories are born.

The really good news for the adoptive family is that once that window of time has passed and the birth family still agrees to the adoption, it is VERY difficult to retract the adoption.  A birthmom can’t change her mind 6 months down the road and show up at your door.  

There are very rare exceptions to this, and the only ones I have heard of have involved the paternity of the child.  Even if the birthfather isn’t in the picture of the birthmom, you need to get them to agree to the adoption.  If they don’t sign the adoption petition, that could cause problems later on.  Also, if the identity of the birthfather is in question, this might cause some trouble.  Things could get a little foggy legally if the paternity of the child turns out to be someone other than the one who signed the petition.

The list for adoptive parents waiting to adopt through some of these agencies can be long, and sometimes will take 2 years or more for the adoptive parents to be selected by a birth family.  It also costs money…and usually a lot of it.  I have a friend who was working with Catholic Charities, and it was going to cost roughly $15,000.  Frankly, that’s one of the cheaper totals I have heard of.  Some agencies will expect you to cover medical expenses for the mother, or even to pay for a stipend for the birthmother for the last few weeks of her pregnancy.  It doesn’t take long to start wracking up thousands of dollars in expenses.

Another thing to remember is that many (not all) of these agencies are religious organizations.  

Yikes…I’m kinda afraid to go there cause now y’all are gonna think I’m some kind of Godless heathen.  

Trust me when I say that’s not true.  We have plenty of religious spirit, but we struggle with some of the fundamentals of many religious organizations.  I could do a whole post on that, but I won’t.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Some will work with you even if you’re not a follower of that organization or church, but some will not.

Many of these agencies are very selective about the adoptive parents they choose to work with.  Let’s face it…many are private, there a lot of desperate adoptive parents out there, and these agencies can’t handle the potential caseload if they worked with everyone.  Many of them turn people away if you don’t qualify.

Qualification standards might include religion; but also income, your type of home, the size of the family you already have, criminal records, credit rating, etc.

This post is getting long and I can just hear some attention spans clicking off, so I’ll keep you hanging and lay out the logistics of a foster adoption tomorrow.  

Let me just leave you with this cliff hanger titillating suggestion…

You can adopt from foster care for free.  Yup, I said free.  Zip.  Zero.  Nada.

In some cases, they will even pay YOU.

to be continued…………………….. 

First, I need to set the record straight.

I don’t particularly care for Barbara Streisand or Celine Dion.  I don’t really like any of those types of singers, especially the likes of Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston.  I acknowledge that they are very talented women, but to me a good song is about more than talent.  In my opinion, these women try too hard.

I don’t connect with a song if it includes elements that are there strictly to showcase the performer’s range.  I feel it distracts from the real meaning and emotion of the music.  When I hear Mariah Carey do her scales and vocal trickery, I may appreciate the difficulty of doing that, but it still sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me.  I think she gives melisma a bad name.

Have you seen Amadeus ?  There is a line in there that Salieri says regarding Mozart.  He criticizes Mozart for using too many notes, and that there is beauty in simplicity.  I don’t necessarily agree in Mozart’s case, but I wish some of these modern day crooners would take that to heart.   

Sometimes I wonder if all that yodeling deprives them of oxygen for too long.  In my opinion, music only has one place for divas, and that’s in opera.  Oooo…here’s an idea for Celebrity Death Match .  Maria Callas vs. Mariah Carey.  No contest, Maria is the ultimate diva.  Mariah is just a wannabe.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s continue where we left off yesterday.

Yes, the mysterious pile ‘o’ parents and creating a new family.  

They begin whittling down the list based on the straightforward facts of the case.  Obviously, if I want an infant and the child being presented is 12 years old, I’m immediately set aside.  This continues until a short list is created.

If multiple sets of parents are found to be a match, then a meeting happens with all the DFACS personnel involved in the case.  As we were told, they literally sit down with all the files and pick which one might be the best fit.  

Once you’re matched, then you get the happy phone call.  However, just because you’ve been matched, you don’t need to accept the placement.  At this point, they will schedule a meeting with you and the social workers and likely even the child (if the situation permits).  In our meeting, we had the training worker, our worker, Kiddo’s worker, the foster parent who currently was caring for Kiddo, and little Kiddo himself.  

Seeing the child before making a decision is a double edged sword.  Usually they will give you a choice, because DFACS realizes that it’s VERY hard to say no once you’ve seen that angelic little face.  Usually it’s not until that meeting when you get the real nitty gritty on the case.  The social workers will apprise you of the legal risk situation.  There is also more details shared about the health of the child.

I actually don’t remember hearing much about this at our meeting.  Why?  Because I was holding Kiddo.  He was so tiny, and I was so worried that I might break him.  All I could do was stare at him.  Holding him felt like I had suddenly been completed.  He was MY child…and I just knew it!  He looked so much like me when I was a child, and then there was the name thing.  I was falling in love and obsessing over whether or not I was holding him right.

I was also extremely intimidated.  His foster mom frightened the beejeebers out of me.  I had never been a mom, and was scared to death as it was.  In comes this woman, and she absolutely oozed maternal instinct.  I was worried that she was judging my motherhood skills.  The more I worried, the clumsier I became.  By the end of the visit, she announced that Kiddo needed a diaper.  She offered to let me do it.  All I could do was shake my head.  She shrugged, and then I SWEAR she had that diaper changed in the blink of an eye.  I have never seen a diaper changed that fast.  This woman should compete!

Can you see the danger here?  Had I really been listening to the details of the case, I might have protected myself from some heartache later on…or at least been better prepared for the roller coaster.  I was distracted and not focused.  A lesson learned for next time. 

So to be fair, I should mention that it’s not just the female divas that annoy me.  I don’t like the men, either.  Josh Groban comes to mind.  He’s not my cup of tea.

Oh, and you should click on the little opera singer.  I think that is still my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “if she even opens this post with a Celine Dion quote, I’m outta here.”

No worries.  I won’t get THAT song stuck in your head.

No, the subject of today’s post is how the matching process works.  It’s the Super Secret Recipe on How to Make a Family.  Contrary to popular belief, there is a science to it.  It’s not just names thrown into a hat.

*insert boring caveat here.  This was our experience in our state/county.  Check with your local office for more info.

Remember about the initial application I told you about?  There will be questions about your marital status, religion, family, beliefs, upbringing, etc.  There will also be several questions about the awkward race topic.  I say awkward, because they are going to want to know honestly about your own ethnicity and your feelings about raising a child of a different ethnicity than your own.  It is important to be HONEST and not politically correct.  There is a difference!  The reason is not to judge you, but to make sure your prepared for a future match.  But I’m jumping ahead.

Back to the application.  That is what starts the whole match formula.

Many of those same questions are also going to come up in the home study.  The worker conducting your home study is also trained to get to the honest answers to some tricky questions, in the event that you took the politically correct route when answering the questionnaire.  

Ok, so I am sorta dancing around the issue at hand.  Bottom line is DFACS is going to want to know if you are interested and equipped to foster a minority child.  In our particular location, there were more Hispanic children in the DFACS system than any other ethnicity.  It just varies, and usually mimics the racial makeup of your location.  

I really urge you to be honest with yourself and your workers.  Raising a child of ANY ethnic group that differs from your own takes a little extra work.  Any child, even a foster kid, has a right to know, understand, and be proud of their heritage.  Raising a Hispanic or African-American child in a Caucasian household with NO exposure to their heritage is a crime.  If you don’t think you’re equipped to expose them to their heritage, THAN SAY SO.  It’s not being discriminatory or “racist.”   

Wow…ok I digress BIG TIME. DFACS is going to want to know what age range you’re looking for, if you’re have a preference for a boy or a girl, what sort of health issues are you prepared to deal with, and how much “legal risk” you can handle (if you’re hoping to adopt).  They are also going to want to know if you would be interested in a sibling group.  Sibling groups are usually considered “special needs,” because a group is usually harder to place and adopt as a unit.  DFACS really does try to keep them together.  If you’re willing to open your home to a sibling group, you can usually get more subsidy assistance, even after the adoption is finalized.  

During your license process, DFACS is also going to make observations about you that will factor into the matching process.  You may state that you would take a sibling group, but are you really prepared?  Logistically, can your home and lifestyle absorb multiple children at once?  You may be ok with bringing in a teenager, but are you really up for the challenges?  You may think you’d be doing a sexually abused child a huge service by bringing them into your home, but if you’re a family who does a lot of hugging and other typically harmless physical contact, DFACS will probably not place a sexually abused kid in your home.  

It really is strange to feel like you’re under a microscope through this whole process.  I mentioned earlier how uncomfortable the home study can be, but even during our training classes I felt like notes were being taken on us all the time.  I tend to be a little outspoken, and I started out in the classes asking lots of questions, making observations to the group, and even cracking a few jokes.  I figured out in a hurry that this was all being quietly observed and noted as DFACS tried to learn more about us.  Creepy.

As it was explained to us, once a file has been created with everything they could possibly drum out, it was added to a pile of other potential parents who had survived the license process.  Priority is not given to those who have been waiting longest.  There are a couple of social workers who keep up with that pile ‘o’ parents, and who work with the GAL’s and the children’s social workers when they are in need of placement.  

Alright, so this post is getting lengthy.  I’ll stop there and leave you hanging.  Tomorrow I’ll write about that secret meeting deep inside the DFACS office when they decide which parent goes with which child.  

Here’s a parting gift:

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you’re here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

I know.  I really am an evil little bugger. 

Memories may be beautiful and yet

What’s too painful to remember 

We simply choose to forget

Yes, I am quoting sappy Barbara Streisand songs.  That’s what a Monday will do to ya.  It makes you do crazy things.

The weather guy called for partly sunny skies today, but out my window all I see is mist.  For some reason, the dull gray and closeness of the fog makes me nostalgic.  Therefore, I shall grace you with a little more of our “Bringing Home Kiddo” story.  

I mentioned in an earlier post that we were matched to a child before we even got our license.  The hard part had been done and all we needed was a home inspection, which our social worker frantically completed the day following the call about our match.  I suppose this is a big reason why our basement did not become an issue.

I VIVIDLY remember getting that call about the match.  I was at work, sitting in my office, and plugging away at the daily grind.  The caller ID comes up as the DFACS office (a very distinctive number that I had already remembered).  Not expecting to hear from them, I answered cheerfully.  

On the other line was the social worker who had been conducting our training.  She wanted to know if we had heard from Lori (not her real name, but I have changed to protect identity, etc.).  I had not heard from Lori, and wasn’t even sure who Lori was.  The social worker said Lori was the worker assigned to us and would be contacting us to conduct our home inspection ASAP.

My radar went off.  ASAP?  What’s the rush?

As the social worker explained, we had been matched to a baby.  Holy freaking crap!  (yes I know.  I used the word).  She needed Lori to finish our license steps and wanted to set up a date where we could do a meet and greet.

Yeah!  Sure!  Whatever we need to do!  I can be home in 10 minutes if you want to send Lori out now!  I will do ANYTHING you need me to do!

We chat a little longer about when we’re all going to meet, and we hang up.  My heart was POUNDING.  Then it occurs to me.  I didn’t get any details about the baby!  I heard that there was one, and I freaked out so much that I didn’t think to ask!  DOH!

I immediately call back the social worker, praying that she answers the phone.  SHE DOES NOT!  Double DOH!

I leave a v/m, and try to resume working.  I say try, because my heart was STILL pounding and focusing on stupid work just wasn’t doing much for me.  I wanted to run outside of my office, I wanted to pick up the phone, I wanted to just shout at the top of my lungs, “WE HAVE A BABY!!!!!!”

Fortunately, the social worker called me back about 10 minutes later.  Well, in real time it was 10 minutes.  In my head it was 10 years.  In that 10 years I had actually regressed into some kind of neanderthal blathering idiot.  It was not pretty.

Somehow the social worker understood enough of what I was trying to ask to give me details about the baby.  He was a little boy, about 3 months old, currently in another foster home, some info about his health, some info about his case, and his name.  It just so happens that he shares a name with some important men in my life.

This was clearly a sign.  It was meant to be.

By the end of the call, I had gone from blathering idiot to balling my eyes out.  

Stop.  Take a deep breath.  Try to stop shaking enough that you can dial the phone.  Come on.  Get it together.

And so I called Hubby.  I relayed the info to him.  That is my one regret of the day.  I really wish I could have been with him when we found out about Kiddo.  Sharing this moment over the phone robbed us of that initial celebration as a parent unit.

After I hung up with him, I practiced some deep breathing techniques.  Work was pretty much lost at this point.  No way was I going to get anything else done today.  I knew I shouldn’t get too excited yet, (cause so much could still happen) but I had to share my news.  I scampered off to spread the good news with coworkers.  

That’s a pretty good memory, right?  You’re probably wondering why I chose a rather depressing quote from the “Way We Were.”   Yes, that was a good day.  But there were some not so good days to come, which I relay in another post.  For now, I want to relish the goodness of that day.

Sunday nights are such a drag.  Today is especially so, because we put all the Christmas decorations away.  I don’t know why I dread that so much.  It’s just depressing.  It’s January, and now there’s not really anything to look forward to for a long time.  

Well, this year is a little different.  I shouldn’t complain; I have more to look forward to than usual.  Next weekend we take Kiddo to my parents for a late mini-Christmas celebration with my sister and her kids.  That will be fun.  We haven’t seen them since summer.  Then, Hubby and I have committed to do a real vacation this year.  Get this…we have been together for like 13 years, and we have NEVER gone on vacation.  We go places, but always it’s to see family.  Not that seeing family isn’t fun, but it doesn’t qualify as vacation time, especially when we get to go to fun exotic places like Iowa and Texas (no offense to either, but not exactly my idea of destination location).  So we’ve promised ourselves that this will be the year, and likely before summer.  That is something fun to look forward to!

Ok, so a post or two ago, I mentioned I would write a little something about the process to become a licensed foster parent.  I want to just begin with a disclaimer.  Our experience is likely to be a little different from anyone else’s.  Laws and policies are different state by state, and even county by county.  If you’re interested, you should definitely contact your local DFACS to get more info on the process.  

I think it’s also important to note that there is an application, training, and approval process for almost any type of adoption.  This makes sense.  They aren’t going to just place kids with anybody.  You have to prove you’re of sound mind and body, not a criminal deviant, and capable of the monumental task of child rearing.  With DFACS, generally it’s called a “license” because there is upkeep involved.  It’s all fine and dandy once you are initially approved, but you have to keep that license active.  Usually that involves more training credits, keeping your CPR/first aid certification up to date, etc.  That’s only if you remain an active foster parent.  In our case, once we finalized our son’s adoption, we were no longer foster parents, but his legal guardians.  We were no longer required to keep our license active.  

As I mentioned before, we went to an informational meeting, and signed up then and there.  Within a couple of weeks, DFACS mailed us a large packet with lots of info and an application.  The application was not too bad, and pretty much what I would expect.  There was the standard info, like you are applying for a job.  But then there are a series of questions some people may find odd, or even a little offensive.  They aren’t looking to discriminate against anyone, but just to get as much info as possible to make sure when it comes time to match you with a child, they do the best job they can.  There are going to be questions about your personal beliefs, how you were raised, how you and your significant other get along, where you agree and where you don’t, etc.  If you have issues answering the questions on the application and feel a little too strongly about being “probed,” well maybe you should stop right here.  The application is nothing compared to the home study process.  If you can’t handle a form, you aren’t going to like a stranger asking you even more personal questions and making judgements.

We quickly filled out our application and went in for fingerprints.  That was a hoot!  We even had to go to the jail in our city to get it done!  In our particular state, there was a nominal fee for the fingerprints (I think it was $20 for each of us), but that was our only expense thus far.

We mailed in our application and fingerprints, and waited for the phone to ring.

I think we heard back from DFACS less than 2 weeks later.  I mean they’ll give you some shpeel about being overworked and understaffed, and may take 6-8 weeks to get an answer back, but they really are very desperate for good homes, so they reel in live ones whenever they can!  I received a phone call at work, and we had been approved!!!  Woohoo!  Now the real fun begins!

We had to complete a series of training sessions and fulfill some extra training credits.  If I recall correctly, I believe we had 3 full day training sessions and 1 half day.  They were spread out over the course of about 6 weeks.  The cool thing about those classes was that you did them with the same group each time, at the same stage of the process as you.  It was great to have that support, and we ended up buddying up with another couple.  It was also interesting to me the different kinds of people at the sessions.  As we were first time parents, we were looking to adopt an infant, but surprisingly, we were the minority.  We thought everyone wanted babies.  There was maybe 20 couples in our training, and only 3 of us were for infants.  The rest made up a mix of wanting an older kid they had not identified yet, or adopting a biological family member, or adopting a child they had already identified.  There was only 1 couple there that adoption was not their final goal.  They were purely interested in fostering.  See what I mean??? They are DESPERATE!!

The training is primarily to educate you on what to expect from these kids.  We talked about babies born exposed to various legal and illegal substances, like drugs and alcohol.  We talked about abuse and what to expect for that.  We spent an entire morning talking about kids abused sexually.  That was the toughest, and we knew it would be hard when we walked in and the kindly social workers had strategically placed a tissue box on each table.

The outside training credits you need to acquire a license are left to you to choose from a list.  There are a variety of online courses you can take for credit, or you can attend some supplemental training sessions at the DFACS office.  Another option was to read a relevant adoption book and write up a report, or to attend a monthly support group meeting.  We liked the support group option, and we had already read several books on adoption, so we just typed up some reports on those.  The extra credits were easy.

Once we finished the training, that’s when DFACS set us up for a home study.  In our county, they contracted with an unaffiliated outside company to conduct those studies.  I think of all the steps in the process, the home study was my least favorite.  A social worker was assigned to us, and she made 2 visits to our house.  She interviewed us together, then separately, then together again.  It was the separate interviews I really found interesting.  This is where she will play you against each other and seek out holes to your story.  They are going to ask you questions that the right answer is obvious.  For example, they will ask you “do you drink?”  Well, of course we know they want to hear no.  But they also know that everyone tells them no, but lots of times the answer is yes (to varying degrees).  She will ask you tricky questions about your significant other and compare stories, looking for any lies or holes.  I kinda felt like a suspect on Law & Order, being questioned by Detective Briscoe and getting all confounded.  

The home study is a HUGE step.  Once it was done, we were sent a report of the social workers findings.  It really is, well, I suppose interesting is the word, to read what a total stranger thinks about you.  Some things will be right on target, and some will be WAY off base.  When we read ours, we panicked a little.  We worried that we were nut jobs and we didn’t even know it, and there was no way we were going to be trusted with a kid.

Fortunately, our fear was unfounded (remember what I said…they are DESPERATE ).  Less than a week later, we were put in contact with our own personal social worker who would be representing us through the rest of our journey and conducting our home inspection.

At our home inspection, we would have to provide proof of CPR and first aid certification.  We were certified in both with the Red Cross in a long all day Saturday session.  DFACS covered the cost of it.

Ahhhhh…the dreaded home inspection.  I was worried about that since day one.  See, were living in a very old and non-traditional house at the time.  The house was almost a cottage, and absolutely cute and adorable…for an adult couple.  It wasn’t exactly kid friendly.  It may have been quaint, but there was only 1 bedroom on the main floor, and the others were in the basement with no second exit.  The stairs were narrow and steep, and the house was built in the early 1900’s, so lead paint could be a problem.  I was REALLY worried about the bedroom thing.  We had a plan to convert part of some unused space into a 2nd bedroom on the main floor, but we were a year away from carrying that out.  Since we wanted an infant, I figured the crib would be in our room anyway for about that long, and I was hoping DFACS would agree.  

We also had to have a super duper fire extinguisher (that was nearly impossible to find), a battery of smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a well stocked first aid kit, and able to demonstrate that we had baby necessities like car seats and a crib.  They did not have to be installed, but we just had to show that we had them.  

So our social worker comes out for the inspection, and she notices the bedroom arrangement.  There were windows in our basement, but they were a little too high off the floor to meet the modern requirement for easement.  She looked at the windows and asked “could you exit out of one of those windows?”  I smiled sweetly and replied “sure you could, if you needed to.”  She nodded and moved on.  I let out a huge sigh of relief.

Everything else about the house she loved, including our enormous yard and extremely cute quaintness.  We passed!

Our status as licensed foster parents had been confirmed!  It took us about 6 months.  After the home study was completed, things started happening very quickly.  We were matched to an infant before our home inspection was even done, but that’s a post for another day!

 Alright, so I know I had excuses yesterday for being brain dead after a hard day at work, but I’m going to play the brain dead card again.  I just spent 3 hours at Chuck E Cheese, for crying out loud.  That’s enough to wipe out anybody!  However, I can’t complain too much.  Kiddo fell asleep in the car in no less than 3 minutes, and it’s a quiet Saturday night at home.  THAT feels good.  I’m entertaining the idea of taking a bath!

Before I indulge in the rare luxury of quiet time to myself, I wanted to take some time to describe the kinds of kids in DFACS.  I think people largely believe these kids are “broken,” and that is absolutely not the case.

First, there are different types of cases being handled by DFACS.  Some kids are only in DFACS temporarily, and their biological parents or extended family will most definitely regain custody of them.  

Ok, I need to back up again.  I need to point out that the law is designed to support and unite biological families.  DFACS was created to do whatever it can to keep these families together.  Technically, adoption by a non-relative is kind of a failure.  This can be frustrating, but it does make some sense (which you will see later).  Just need to explain that now.

Ok, so back to my previous topic.  Most kids in DFACS are temps and are in foster care for only a short time until they are reunited with their parents or a biological relative takes them.  Kids end up in DFACS foster care for a variety of reasons, and bio parents are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS given treatment plans, assistance, guidelines, etc to prepare them for reunification.  

As the social workers, lawyers, and judges working with DFACS handle thousands of kids each year, they are pretty good at predicting which kids will be reunited and which ones probably won’t.  Often it’s the extended bio families that are the unknown and unpredictable. 

So I’m sure if you’ve even casually paid attention to the news, you’ve heard stories about parents abusing their kids.  Sure, some kids are in DFACS for physical abuse.  Some kids have been sexually abused.  To me, these are the toughest cases to hear about.  I can’t even begin to fathom why someone would harm a child in this way.  

Some kids are in DFACS because they have been neglected.  In many of these cases, drugs are involved.  You’ll hear stories about guardians who are too high to be competent parents.  Lots of kids are taken from meth labs by social workers in full environmental protection gear.  We heard a story at our info meeting about a little boy taken from a meth lab who acted like a dog.  He had been neglected by his parents, and only had the dog as a companion.  He would only eat if his food was placed in a bowl on the floor.  It was disturbing.  

Then there are the kids that are abandoned.  These are largely infants and young kids.  You hear stories in the news about the “safe haven” laws in many states.  If a child is abandoned at a hospital or other safe house, DFACS takes over.

The common denominator here is that in most cases, DFACS is intervening in family business, and it’s generally not because things are going well.  

Sounds scary, doesn’t it?  Kids from badly broken homes, abused or neglected, and most definitely going to come with tons of emotional baggage.  

Yes, that may be true.  No one said this was going to be easy.  But do you REALLY know what you’re getting into with a foriegn or domestic adoption?  Do you think adopting a kid from an orphanage in another country isn’t going to know a little something about abuse or neglect?  Or you may be in the delivery room while your soon to be adopted child is born, but do you really know if that mother has or has not been drug free during her pregnancy, or even keeping up with her prenatal care?  

Kids are amazing.  With a little love, there is almost nothing that can’t be overcome.  There will be challenges and some days you’re going to wonder what the hell you were thinking.  But then, there’s that moment, when it is all worth while.  That first kiss, hug, smile, or “I love you.” But isn’t all parenting a challenge, whether your child is a biological member of your family or not???  Are the kids in DFACS any more messed up than “normal” kids??  Certainly not!  Give them a chance.  They aren’t broken and are well worth saving.