Forever Family

Gotta type fast tonight!!!!  The absolute best show on television is FINALLY premiering it’s final season tonight…in approximately 20 minutes.  That’s right folks!!!  It’s time for BATTLESTAR GALACTICA !!!!

If you’re rolling your eyes, or not even sure what I’m talking about, then I pity you.  What a shame to be deprived of mastery.  It’s like living in a world without Shakespeare or Beethoven.  You’re probably one of those Dancing with the Stars viewers.  Shame on you.

I’m probably the worst type of audience a TV show might ever have.  I’m rarely devoted, highly skeptical, and not easily impressed.  If it’s reality television, you can just forget it.  Sitcoms don’t do much for me (but I do get a kick out of Big Bang Theory ).  Dramas typically bore me.  I feel like many shows are rarely original, and are just shallow rewrites of the same old themes.  I only forgive Star Trek this horrid faux pas, but only because it’s a Star Trek!  Where would modern culture be without Star Trek?!  

Battlestar Galactica leaves me breathless.  You don’t need to be a scifi fan to enjoy this show.  In fact, I have a friend whose become as addicted as me, and who happens to hate scifi.  The scifi themes are fun and provide an interesting and beautiful background for telling the story, but the themes are universal to our galaxy or another. 

There are some interesting parenting and reproductive themes in this show.  If you haven’t given those show a try, go to your Netflix account and add the mini-series that started it all to your queue.  When you watch the mini-series, keep in mind that it was originally intended to be only that.  But fortunately some network executive recognized the genius potential and greenlighted the program as a series.  

It is with mixed feelings that I acknowledge the last season, which will total a relatively short 5 seasons (for a show as successful as this).  You have to give the producers credit for ending it on a high note, and not destroying a good thing.  At least a lesson was learned by them, after a long ridiculous history of terrible series finales.  

It is time.  I’ve been waiting over a year for this.  Halle-frakkin-lujah.  

We’ve had some bad news at work recently.  It seems the bad economy is catching up with me.  I’ve spent massive amounts of time over the past 48 hours reflecting on my life.  Overall, I have nothing to complain about.  Really, I’ve been quite fortunate.  I suppose I’ve been reflecting on what may come in the future and making sure we’re prepared as a family to weather whatever storm may come.  All in all, we’re in good shape, and I keep reminding myself that I should be thankful for it.  So many people out there today, are really…well…in a lot of trouble.  You know, the whole up a creek and no paddle to be found thing.  

All this deep thinking reminded me of the days Kiddo would have his visitations with his birth family.  I spent massive amounts of time (in the middle of winter) sitting in my car and just thinking while I waited for a visitation to be done.  Actually, it was more like worrying, but I did spend a little time daydreaming about what life would be like once we survived this foster process.  I didn’t like to think about that too much, since it was kind of like getting my hopes up or counting my chickens before the eggs hatched.  But I also think it was important to keep my eye on the ball, and remind myself even at the most difficult times that this would eventually all be worth it.  And it was!

I guess ultimately the message of this post is to keep your chin up.  Even when you’re sure you’ve hit rock bottom, no matter what the situation, at least there’s nowhere to go but up.  Perspective is also key.  You may be thinking you’ve hit that so called bottom, but there is always someone out there who has it a little worse than you.  Be thankful for what you do have.

Want to know what makes me feel better when I feel a little low?  Watch an episode of Jerry Springer or Maury Povich.  See?  Told you it could be worse.  You could be on that show.

Wait and see.  Those oncoming storm clouds always have a silver lining if you look hard enough.

Isn’t technology grand?  I am currently in the car and traveling homeward from Grandma’s house.  I am traveling about 75 mph in the middle of nowhere, yet still connected with the world.  In some ways I suppose this is kind of a shame.  You can’t just get away anymore.  Now anyone can reach us anywhere and at anytime.  I used to enjoy being unreachable for a while. 

It certainly makes it easier to multitask.  Hubby is driving (obviously), Kiddo is in the back playing cars, and I have found a new way for some time to write and reflect.  We’ll see how well this works.  Hubby is in control of the iPod, and let’s just say his musical taste is different than mine.  Since I usually use music to help me clear my mind of the clutter so I can focus, trying to do that without my usual soundtrack is a challenge.  Case in point, right now we’re listening to the Jeopardy skits from Saturday Night Live.  Yeah, those are the ones with Will Ferrell as Alex Trebeck.  Sure, they’re funny…but highly distracting.

And the answer is…Buck Futter .

In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s been something I’ve thus far avoided writing about.  Some might expect a blog about fostering kids to actually be about, well, fostering kids.  Ok ok ok.  I’ll start writing about fostering kids.

The reason I have kinda been avoiding the topic is because I’ve been struggling a little with a way to really give a monumental undertaking like this proper justice.  I don’t want to mislead anyone.  It’s very hard, but very easy.  It’s rewarding, yet costly.  It’s simple, yet complicated.

Confused?  Yeah, so am I. 

The reason this is such a mess is fundamental.  We’re talking about human lives here.   When you dealing with lives, you’re dealing the powerful emotions.  There are complicated legal elements involved, and they will often compete with your moral sensibilities. 

Please keep in mind, for every success, there is a failure, but that works both ways.  Remember what I said in a previous post that no matter what happens, the greatest gift you can give these kids is love.  Opening your home to foster children allows them to have a chance at a “normal” life, even for a short time.  If it’s not a warm and loving home, then they often end up in facilities and group homes.  As fantastic as some of those places are, it’s just not the same as being in “regular” home.

If adoption is your final goal heading into this, the term “foster” is your worst enemy.  It suggests temporary…non-permanent.  Until parental rights are terminated, and even up all the way up until that adoption is finalized, there will be an underlying fear in the back your mind that this could all end in the next minute.  Everytime the phone rings, your stomach will do somersaults.  Without even realizing it, your muscles will relax as soon as you check the caller ID, and miraculously when you answer the phone, no one will know that they just sent your blood pressure spiking off the charts. 

I wrote a short story to submit on a site I participate in.  They were looking for “stories with an edge.”  Most submissions are blood and gore slasher stories, but to me a broken heart is a lot more terrifying.  My story is a short and simple account of what it might be like to be a foster parent that loses a child.  Click here to read it .

Hope you had a good weekend.  We had a blast at Grandma’s, but are glad to be heading home.   

Salutations!

Ahhhhhh…this is the most peaceful time of my day.  We drove about 6 hours last night to my folks’ place.  We’re hanging out for a long weekend with the family, including my sister and her 3 kids.  That’s 4 children under the age of 5.  It’s been a little nutty.  But my mom is great, and I even got to go do some shopping with my sister!  It’s been quite some time since I got to shop without managing a child at the same time!  Huzzah!!!

Right now the kids are inside playing with some new toys and watching a movie.  I’m sitting out on my parents’ deck, enjoying the relatively balmy evening, and listening to nothing but the rain.  See what I mean?  Doesn’t that sound peaceful??

I’m starting to relax so much that I’m struggling with a topic idea for today.  I thought my theme for this post should relate to family, to commemorate my visit with family this weekend.  Hmmm…yeah that will work.  A nice easy topic so I don’t overtax my relaxing brain with anything too tough.

You know what would go great with this?  A glass of wine.  I wonder if…brb.

Success!!!  Alright, I’m ready!  Glass in hand; ready to blog!

There is a reason this topic is so easy for me, yet important enough to warrant its own post.  Adoption or foster is not a couples only decision.  If you have extended family, they need to be on board with what you’re going to be undertaking.  Obviously they have slightly less to gain or lose in the process than you will, but the keyword here is SLIGHTLY.  Imagine how hard this will be on a grandma who wants so badly to have grandchildren filling her home, then only to lose one because the kid returns to a bio family member.  Don’t spring any surprises on Grandma.  Not cool.

My family had been fantastic about our foster adopt.  From day one, Kiddo has been accepted and loved as much as the bio kids my sis has.  His picture is up on the wall prominently next to theirs.  Right now he’s snuggled up on Grandma’s lap as the bio kids are lined up on the floor.  He gets just as much attention as the others, if not more.  My Kiddo is WAY better behaved than my sister’s kids  Well he is!  Sometimes.

I never had any doubt that my Kiddo would not get treated differently and not instantly accepted as one of the family, but never assume.  Remember the old saying about assume…it makes an ASS out of U and ME.  And remember, no surprises to Grandma’s poor old ticker.

It’s so easy to sit down and say “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant.”  Everyone knows about the birds and the bees, so not a lot of explanation needs to happen.  But sitting down and saying “Hey Mom and Dad, we’re thinking about fostering and adopting a child” is likely to get a slightly different reaction.  I would recommend doing your research and coming armed with lots of info.  Grams and Gramps are gonna have questions.  Hey, I would love to help you out on that!  Turn them onto my blog! 

There is something you just need to accept now as a foster parent.  Things are always going to be harder.  You’re going to have to know just a little bit more, advocate a little harder, pay a little better attention, work a little harder, and explain to your family just what it is you’re getting them all in to.  Everyone knows about pregnancy, but few know about fostering.

Don’t mince words about the challenges of it, and don’t hide the fact that this is a FOSTER placement.  It could be temporary.  However, also talk about how absolutely vital it will be that this child is accepted and loved just as much as if the kid had sprung from your own loins.  Even if the placement is temporary, there will be no greater gift that you could give a child.  No matter what the age of the kid, even having the love of your family for a short while could make all the difference on the rest of their lives.

What I think will surprise everyone in your family is just how easy it is to fall in love with one of these kids.  It doesn’t take a lot of effort, and the power of it will likely blow you away.

Well, that’s enough for today.  It’s has stopped raining, but the air has that earthy smell.  I am eyeballing that rocking chair over on the other side of the deck.  I may just go sit in it for awhile and rock in peace.  Felicity, thy name is grandparents.

Time is my enemy.  It moves quickly when I would have it slow, and crawls when I would have it fly.  I have a vision of a Roman-esque type god in a toga, playing with a my personal hourglass.  He’s devious and likes to torture me.  Curse you, you little troll of a time keeper.

That being said, not much time today for a long story.  You’re likely relieved. 

For today’s topic, I thought I would talk about what happens after a kid is taken into the custody of DFACS.  Well, that’s a pretty big topic.  Let’s try again.  I will talk about the PEOPLE who will be involved in that child’s life once they are taken into the custody of the DFACS office.

Again, this varies by state.  This was how it was in my state/county.

Each child is assigned their own social worker.  Usually sibling groups have one worker.  This worker stays with them until they are no longer needed.  In the case of adoption, this worker is with the child until parental rights are terminated.  If the child is reunited with their bio parents, the worker stays involved to monitor progress and treatment plan adherence, until all court mandates have been met.

Each bio parent is assigned their own social worker, which is separate from the child.  They advocate on behalf of the parent and work with the parent to get necessary support and resources, represent them in court, and monitor their progress.  I have heard of some bio parents sharing the same worker, and some parents having separate ones.  I think this largely depends on the status of the couple (married, separated, etc.).

These are 2 different offices within DFACS, so each has their own supervisors.  It helps to make sure all interests are fairly represented and the legal requirement for all attempts at reunification have been met.  This is a good thing.  You don’t want the court to question the legality of your foster/adopt placement.  

As I mentioned before, the foster parents also have a devoted social worker, which comes from yet a third office.  They are your support, advocate, representative, etc.

Each child is also assigned a Guardian Ad Litem (aka GAL).  This is an attorney who represents the child in court.  They handle all the legalese, from start to finish.  The GAL is likely the only person who represents the child who will be with you the whole way, if adoption is the final goal.  In my county, the GAL pool was independent attorneys who were contracted through DFACS.  They did not report to DFACS, again to make sure the legal needs are properly met.

The GAL and the child’s social worker will be attached at the hip for that case.  The GAL will rely on the social worker to report progress, especially if reunification with the bio family has happened.  Just because kiddo goes back to his bio parents doesn’t mean DFACS doesn’t stay involved.      

If you’re a foster to adopt family, and parental rights have been terminated (woohoo!), then the child’s social worker moves on and you’re assigned an adoption worker.  These guys have the good job at the DFACS office.  Basically they are there to get your paperwork in order, work with the GAL to draw up the court documents, and answer any questions.  You can tell their stress level is of a different nature than the other social workers.  Our adoption worker was very sweet and a generally optismistic person.  She was even easy to reach by phone!!

I just have to give snaps to these social workers.  I can promise you…if you become a foster parent, you are going to become highly frustrated with ALL of these people.  They are extremely busy and the nature of what they do is highly unpleasant.  It’s great to help kids, but remember what I told you about rescuing kids from meth labs in full enviromental protection gear?  That’s just the tip of the iceberg!!!!  They have seen the worst side of humanity, like other public service agents.  In fact, their whole day is dealing with the worst side of humanity, and it’s impossible to reach a happy outcome for everyone.  If there is a bio family and a foster family involved, no matter what happens, someone is going to lose.  Then there’s the kids!!!  How do you look at a little kid and try to explain that they may never see their Mom or Dad again and these strangers here are going to take care of them????

These people make very little money and are basically on call 24/7.  It takes a very special person to do what they do, and try to keep that in mind.  Be patient, but don’t hesitate to stand up for yourself and call in reinforcements if you have concerns.  There is a reason why all these layers exist.  When it comes time to make a verdict on this child’s future, all options have been very well explored.  

Well, we’re off tonight over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go.  We’re spending a nice long weekend with my folks and my sis and her kids.  Kiddo is super excited.  Hopefully I’ll get a little time to update my blog, but hang in there! 

Happy Friday!

I promise to keep it short tonight.  Remember when I said I was long winded?  Yeah, well…what can ya do. 

I set this blog up to share our experience as foster/adoptive parents.  I intend to relay parts of our story, in the hope of opening a few eyes and perhaps getting some people thinking that maybe they want to open their hearts and homes to these great kids.  

That being said, I want to pepper the nitty-gritty retelling of our process with some fun stories about out family (hence the random blog about music yesterday).  I think it’s extremely important to point out that our family is completely normal, and behaves no differently than a family with biological kids.  In a lot of ways, you could argue that we are better equipped and prepared to be parents than some people who have bio children.  Our process was long, deliberate, and required a lot of thought and introspect.  No accidents here.

We also are much more aware of our kiddo’s emotional well being, and we put great deals of effort into promoting a healthy mind and body.  We didn’t have that intial biological “chemical” bond.  We had to work at establishing a relationship with our child.  Even though he was only 4 months old, think of the trauma he had already been through.  

I actually looked forward to nighttime feedings.  I wanted opportunities to prove myself to this new baby that I may not have been there when he came into the world, but I sure as hell am here for him now.  I remember the first time he was sick, and tenderly caring for him and doing whatever I could to help him feel better.  We snuggle ALL the time.  We even have very loose rules about bedtime.  Kiddo sleeps in his own room the majority of nights, but if we feel like snuggling in bed together and he falls asleep in my arms, we’re ok with that.  I know, I know…Super Nanny is likely to show up at my door, wag her finger at me, and call me a bad parent.  But it’s moments like these where we get to just enjoy each other.

I’m also a little obsessive about things we bond on.  This is why music is such a big deal to me, because we enjoy it together.  In my husband’s case, they both share a fondness for cars, and Kiddo loves to hang out with Daddy while fixing the cars.  He’ll talk Hubby’s ear off about cars all day long.  

Sometimes I kinda think of it as what it must be like raising a teenager (I’ve never raised one, so can’t say for sure, but I’ve been one and this is what it was like).  A teen is seeking out his/her own voice, seeking inpendence, and developing their own personalities.  It’s a parent’s responsibility to encourage this growth, but maintain a bond and parent/child relationship.  I sometimes feel like we inherited this little teen, and we journey together discovering things about each other that we can form a relationship on.  

Alright, so I’m starting to ramble again, but look forward to more stories about the goofy things we do as a family.  The goal is to demonstrate that our beginnings may have been a little unique, but the outcome is the same, and we have one fantastic kid.  

Whew!!!!  WHAT A DAY!!!!  Can’t even tell you how glad I am it’s over!  Let’s just say my brain may not be up to par tonight, so please forgive me any nonsensical thoughts.  Brain farts tend to be a common malady when you’re worn out.

Side bar - being a middle manager working schmuck SUCKS!!!!!!  Remind me to buy a lotto ticket so I can get out of this mess! 

So it occurred to me that since this is an ongoing blog about our “foster odyssey,” perhaps I should write a bit of history about our adoption.  I thought I would start with why we decided on our path and the process to get licensed.  I am not ashamed to admit that fertility seems to elude us.  I think it’s a frighteningly common problem, in a Children of Men sort of way.  I know more people with problems conceiving children than not.  After actively trying with my hubby for about 3 years to get pregnant, we had a decision to make.  Obviously, the first question was to parent or not to parent.  How badly did we want kids?  Was it worth the drama?  We decided yes, we want to be parents (duh).  The next question was how were we going to approach the problem?  We could pursue fertility treatments for ourselves, find a surrogate to carry a child for us, or adopt.  

Our first thought was to research fertility options.  New advances are made all the time and there are numerous options, but few of those options are covered by insurance and you need deep pockets to afford most treatments.  Ok, money is money and necessity would breed creativity.  If we really wanted to do it, we’d find a way to pay for it.  We were sorta ready to start the treatment path and went to see a doctor who specialized in fertility issues.  He checked us out and gave us both a clean bill of health, then started talking about putting me on hormone treatments for ovulation.  Ok, he had our attention and we were listening.  Then the doc started talking about the side effects.  Huh?  Side effects?  For those of you who have any experience with the frustrations of wanting kids but having trouble having them, the last thing I could deal with is a drug-induced emotional roller coaster.  Factor in the odds of the treatments working (not great), along with the expense, we backed away slowly.  Not for us.

Surrogacy was pretty much never an option for us.  Just not something I could deal with.  I admire anyone who goes down this route.  More power to you.

By process of elimination, that left us with adoption.  We started digging into research.

I should note that it was surprising to me that we accepted the adoption option so easily (Ha!  That rhymes!).  For some reason, I had the crazy idea that all men want to spawn their own young.  To be a man was to have your own litter of mini-me’s following in your footsteps, and that kind of thing.  I was very relieved to find that I was wrong.  Frankly, the whole thought of pregnancy and child birth scares me, so I was kinda glad to be off the hook.  I knew I would have no issues adopting and loving a child just as much as if I had a biological kid, and I was pleasantly surprised my hubby agreed.  I’m a lucky gal! 

We found there were 3 basic adoption options available to us; domestic, foreign, or working with DFACS on a foster-to-adopt or child legally freed for adoption.  

I have nothing against domestic or foriegn adoptions, so I really don’t mean to offend.  Here’s why they didn’t fit us.  Red tape.  Plain and simple.  There is massive amounts of bullshit you have to deal with, and massive amounts of money to go with it.  The more we dug into it, the more it just felt like we were “buying” a baby.  Some of these adoptions can run $30,000 or more.  That’s like a college education.  I would rather put that money into clothes, formula, diapers, education, savings fund, and such and such.  It didn’t matter if we were dealing with the Chinese government or the Catholic archdiocese, it was going to boil down to my checkbook.  

I started reading more about foster care and adoption programs with the DFACS office.  Turns out they are DESPERATE for good people to give these kids loving homes.  There are thousands of kids in the system, and many of them are being raised in group homes or facilities until they age out of the system.  Going to Guatemala to bring back a child from there just didn’t feel right when we have our own national epidemic of kids without good families.

It just so happens that the county we were living in had a monthly meeting for people thinking about fostering or adopting.  It was purely informational with no commitments, so we decided to attend one and check it out.  If you ever decide to attend one of these types of meeting (and good for you if you do!!!!), be prepared with some tissue.  You’re going to cry.  They are going to tell you some stories about kids who have gone through their system, and it’s going to just wrench at your heart. 

Depending on your DFACS system (and largely on the size of the population where you live), you can be matched with any aged child, from newborn to 18.  This surprised me as I was researching this option.  I think most people think DFACS kids are a little older and automatically dismiss it because they want an infant.  In our case, we were matched with our son when he was 4 months old.

Hubby and I signed up for training while we were at that meeting.  We didn’t need to go home to discuss it.  We knew this was the best fit for us.  We were training for our license less than a month later.  Next post…the license process.

Till then, peace and good night!

Maybe I should take a course on writing witty bylines.  I tend to be long-winded, so thinking of clever attention-grabbing titles (that are also short) is going to be a challenge for me. Great.

Oh, by the way, Happy New Year!  Can you believe that it is 2009????  It still feels like just yesterday that we were convinced that Y2K was going to mean the end of the world.  That was almost a decade ago.  CRAZY!!!!

Unfortunately, we did not make it to midnight last night.  That’s what happens when you’re a working class schmuck with a full time job, a messy house, dogs who REFUSE to do their “business” outside where it belongs, and a toddler who’s always going a mile a minute.  We did however get to see fireworks from our backyard.  Hey, a quiet evening at home and a day off from work is all the celebration I need.  I must be getting too old, ’cause a hang over would be just about the last thing I would want to deal with right now.

My best New Year present was my 2 year old son running into my room this morning, yelling “wake up Mommy!” followed by “Mommy, I’m cold.”  I lifted him up and we cuddled for a few minutes under my warm blanket.  I even got an unsolicited kiss on the nose.  For seasoned parents, you probably think “big deal.”  Well, it’s the little moments like this that I love the best.  When you spend several years pretty much convinced that you’re never going to be a parent, it’s pretty special.  Don’t forget, I am also an adoptive parent with a nasty obsessive/compulsive disorder.  Basically I pretty much obsess on every action from my son, looking for signs that we’ve bonded.  Much more to come on that later, but just know that these little snuggle sessions pretty much make my whole day.

Well, nap-time is almost over and the sun is shining bright.  Time to get ready to enjoy a lovely afternoon playing with my family.  Woohoo!!! 

Oh my God.  I have a blog.  I have joined the growing ranks of crazed cyber geeks around the world and now I throw my voice into the electronic din.  I feel so…hip.

Wouldn’t you know it…now I have writer’s block.  Damn.  I never was able to perform under pressure.

Let’s try this again.  As the site host has generously given my first blog a title, let’s make it relevant.

“Hello World!”

My purpose in creating this blog is primarily to share my journey in fostering (and eventually adopting) a special needs child from the Department of Child and Family Services (here after to be called DFACS for the sake of brevity).  It has been an extremely emotional journey thus far (both good and bad, but far more good) and every new day brings new experiences.  If I can convince even one person to consider fostering or adopting a child from DFACS, I will consider my public service efforts a success.

When I think “adoption,” the first thing that pops into my mind is Angelina Jolie.  I can only guess that many others think the same way.  Thanks mass media for constantly pointing out that the Jolie/Pitt clan is made up of adopted and “natural” children.  Don’t get me started here…there will be several posts devoted to my pissiness with the media.  I am as fascinated by Angelina Jolie as any other person (and the answer is yes, if I had to pick one other woman I would “lez” out with, it would definitely be her) and I absolutely admire her quest to adopt as many children as possible.  However, I fear that she is doing the kids in our country a disservice.  Adoption is not a fad or a craze, and while there are clearly many kids globally in need of good homes, there are great kids here who could use a “forever family.”

Not all domestic adoptions turn out like “Baby Jessica,” and certainly kids aren’t in the DFACS system because they are “broken.”  My tale is going to show you just how much you can make a difference, and just how rewarding it can be to open your heart and home.